Log in

No account? Create an account
31 December 2017 @ 03:09 pm

28 December 2017 @ 04:49 pm

Back home for the holidays, Christmas this year felt so empty and void. I spent most of the day being blue over the fact I wasnt with my girlfriend, but eventually felt better.
On Tuesday night we had an amazing sexting session in which I fingered myself for the first time, and though I didn't think much of it while I was at it, I ended up feeling satisfied afterwards and looking forward to doing it again. My girlfriend was super horny too and that just drove me crazy. The next morning I felt very loving towards her, and I didnt tell her anything but I guess I felt like we had fucked and I fell in love with her or sth like that, very embarrassing.
Right now she is mad at me after I confessed I believed her capable of cheating. I know shes a dramatic bitch, but Im not glad to be with her like this. I need to explain and I want her loving me. It is weird how part of me is ready to leave while the other wants her for the longest run. Damn, Victoria. You turmoil!

10 December 2017 @ 05:01 pm
(2/2) and it was quite shocking to have someone tell you such a thing, she asked me please not to even think about it, but I know it in my heart I will leave her. I mean, I won't do it this month, but next month or even in a couple weeks I'll feel sad and terrible again, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get over it. I've been saying I'll call it quits with her since October, yet here I am, holding on and feeling so bad and stupid. I mean, part of me feels disappointed for not being able to wait till March, it's only a couple more months, and I know how bad it'll be for her, breaking up for reasons who nothing have to do with her, that go beyond what she is or does. It is totally unfair, I know, to her, but what about me?? I know better than to stay in a relationship in which my needs are not being met, where I don't feel fulfilled or whole and where I can't get to have physical intimacy. I know better. Staying is suffering, it is not sane, and I know I should strike while the iron is hot and leave now, that with my new job and my moving and my new city the heartache will be minimum, but I told her I wouldn't so now I have to wait, and hold on, but not for much longer.
10 December 2017 @ 12:28 am

I had a long ass post written in my pc about my life here in Buenos Aires so far--the good, the bad and the awesome. However I was disrupted by the arrival of mt cousin and now-flatmate, and it went straight to the dradts, however I will only say that due to a misunderstanding which caused me a great deal of anxiety the very same weekend I'd arrived here, I'm moving out on December 16th. I will be staying at a room I rented through Airb&b, hopefully until I have saved enough money to rent my own appartment. I also got to see Swan Lake, a colleague of mine reading her poetry, and many beautiful things. I am living my dream. I cannot be happier....but wait!
Today's topic is indicated by the entry title and not capricious at all: today I actually considered ending it with Victoria. The reason?? Same old, same old. I need to be physically close to her, she's unavailable. She told me maybe she could visit me for Christmas, and I knew she was bullshitting me and I shouldn't have let that get to my head, but then I did and actually thought there was a strong chance of that happening. But she says she doesn't think that will be possible, and waiting till March is hell, mostly when you don't even know if you'll actually get to meet her then. Again, my needs are not being met, and when I told her it was all being very hard for me to go on like this, she asked me whether I was gonna leave her. I should have told her I didnt know, which is the truth, but I said no and
Eased her a bit. She asked me to please not leave her, she said she couldnt imagine her life without me (1/2)

17 November 2017 @ 11:40 pm
I'm in the middle of getting my stuff ready to move out. I'm going to live at least for a month, hopefully more, with a cousin of mine. At first I didn't want anything to do with having a flatmate, but she lives in a very elegant neighbourhood, is very cheap for me to live there, and I'll still get to spend time by myself 'cos she leaves pretty much every weekend. Also, we got on very, very well! So I'm actually excited for getting to live with her!
She's an accountant and holds a senior post at a very important accountancy firm. She has a very good salary and lots of benefits from her job! she's my age and fucking KILLINNG IT! And I know we'll be able to get along cos I'll be having a similar life from now on, working a corporate job in my mid-twenties and life is so amazing, so amazing!
...The Bell Jar makes a ghostly appeareance at the back of my mind.
Beyond excited, beyond amazed, dreams DO come true. It seemed only yesterday I was wishing, kinda laughing at myself for being so naive and thinking I could ever make it out of this hellhole. Yest look at me now, everyone. Look at me now.
07 November 2017 @ 10:40 pm
So, yesterday the woman in charge of the recruitment at the awesome job contacted me to ask for further details, telling me everything was going OK, and if I could possibly start by December 1st??
That sent a blast of excitement and anxiety through my body. If everything continues to be fine, that means in less than a month I leave for Buenos Aires!! My dream will come true!! So I got home and talked to the parents, and then this morning I talked to Blem about my moving there, money matters, etc.
So on the one hand, I am beyond excited for this opportunity to live my dream, but on the other hand I am genuinely worried about my relationship with Victoria. You see, I was expecting us to meet this month, and we totally should, for if I get the job then I do not know when will our schedules be free for us to finally meet. However, even if we met this month as planned, I'd be rather needing the money to set myself up at Baires...this is so fucking stressful.
Also, if I got the job I'd have to hurry up and graduate real quick, so I can leave with my interpretation degree under my arm.
Everything is happening so fast!
03 November 2017 @ 10:22 am
really cannot stop thinking about her, and about my first time. I really literally cannot wait. I have this idea that she'll be a lot more nervous than me, and I'll have to calm her down.
I also think about how she has to deal with a lot more stuff than me, and that includes taking care of me, and being responsible for my sexual experiences. I can see the pressure she has to endure, for not only does she have to cope with family issues, work, her training, etc. but also with a naive, innocent girlfriend whom she'll be the first girl to kiss, to fuck, to love. It is a lot.
Also, I know. I know she's been crazy enough to think about marriage. 
02 November 2017 @ 10:32 pm
I jut love when things work out without me having to push for it.
A few days ago, we videocalled and after asking each other whether we felt happier now we were around, she, completely out of the blue, raised the issue of our encounter.
In short, she said it was not the time yet, she had lots of things to work out before I could visit, such as work,training,etc. She said it'd be completely selfish of her to make me go and see me only a few hours a day. It's like she wants to make room for me in her life, she wants me to fit, but I told her I probably would have to go while she was working ,and that I didn't want our waiting ruining our chance. Once again, I told her I couldn't wait forever. She said after September she didn't want to make any more promises, because she failed me and she hated it.
I love when she talks about our meeting, and end up forgiving anything and everything. I told her I hurt, I told her meeting her was my n°1 priority, I told her there was nothing in the world I wanted more...yet, I wait.
She said she feels the urgency, too, but she's got to deal with stuff first. I asked her if that was all, and what surprised me and relieved me was the fact it was only external factors now. Maybe it's still a mix of both, though.
I really want us to meet this month. And everything seems to indicate the time is ripe: I finish my course, her mother comes back, and the worst shift she could be working, the night one, she's working until mid-November only. It's a sign!!
29 October 2017 @ 11:21 am
Oh, and last night we talked and I decided not to (totally) lie to her, and told her my day hadn't been great because of how I felt. However, instead of telling her about the issue from the previous entry, because I knew it wasn't the best time to talk about that, I only told her I felt kinda angry that she revealed my secret. She was kinda pissed and we said goodbye in a less than ideal way. She was cold towards me, and this morning she continued in the same fashion. Much to my bewilderment, she asked me to touch myself for her (¿¿¿???). I refused, naturally, and she told me not to speak to her for the rest of the day. There must be something going on inside her that's upsetting her, because she's been giving this weird vibes. She said something stupid about not having control over me, and I felt kinda pissed that she has to pretend to be so grey sometimes. I mean she is, but I will not and cannot accept to take the dom/sub mechanic outside the sexlife.