Log in

24 June 2017 @ 12:51 am
This will sound totally crazy considering my last entry, but I think I'm falling in love with her, and into pieces.
Yesterday we talked on the phone the whole night, and then part of the morning. We teased each other, courted each other, enjoyed each other.
But the fatal, undeniable truth is out there: she and I are not made to last. We are way too different, outlooks, prospects and all.
23 June 2017 @ 12:30 am
Last night I tried to abort us. I tried to break up with her, following a video-call in which I was less-than-pleased with her wording and the stuff she said to me.
And I was ready, I'd prepared a speech, but the momento she turned around and was about to leave, I just couldn't manage it. I couldn't let her walk away. So I felt like shit, and I fucking begged, and I saved face like a bitch and managed to have her stay. I lowkey regretted it tho, I just know we are not meant to be.
But the night was long, and we made it up, and it was all well. And today we spent like 2 fucking hours in a videocall, and she made me laugh a lot, a blush a lot. Yet she tells me stuff, sometime, which make me think I'm soo unworthy. I literally have no life, no sex life, no friends. And she's been through so much, and so many...
On May 11th, I saw her for the first time, chatted for the first time.
On a certain Tuesday afternoon, we talked for hours and she made me laugh, and I felt a spark.
Then we talked on the phone, twice, the same night.
Then she videocalled me at 3 a.m. and it was a lot like letting a stranger in on my bedroom, secretly, through my window.
I saw her live for the first time, damn, those eyes can surely make you their bitch.
And finally, last night. We type and type, until I fall asleep.
14 June 2017 @ 11:18 pm
Yesterday we talked for 31 minutes straight, and it was awesome. What surprised me most was the fact that we could actually have a nice, fun, interesting conversation despite the fact that we are almost strangers and it's way too easy to fall into awkwardness. Now that I come to think of it, she's a lot like my friend Belen. They sure have a lot in common.

Also, yesterday I learned the Colon will be showin Swan Lake next month, and I might, just might, get tickets to go see it, and live my fucking dream!!

Today we spoke very little, and for the very first time I got angry with her. We had arranged to watch the new OITNB season together, and yet I learned she started it without me. I know she must have done it without thinking, an honest mistake, however I cannot help but hate what this shows me about her. She's not very considerate. It is either that, which is ugly, or the fact she doesn't take my word seriously enough, which is even worse. I will add this to her list of shortcomings and mistakes, which alas! is far from immaculate. She has a big ego, and she just doesn't really seem to care about me as much I as care about her. I know not everyone has the heart-on-your-sleeve style, but what if this is just what I need from a partner, for once?
13 June 2017 @ 02:07 am

There is still doubt in my heart, but there is also acceptance. There is mistrust and surrender, there is some sort of love, much to my dismay.
I wish she was an intellectual like me. That way, it would all be perfect. But she is out of my league and I'm out of hers, and so it can only be so good.
Good heavens! If only she had brains!

02 June 2017 @ 12:03 am
I'm out to my parents.
She's out to my therapist.
This morning my doubts were eating my brains out.
During the afternoon, we talked, and I felt such peace (I don't know if it was only her, I think it was the environment as well) that all my troubles with her, all my doubts, felt meaningless and small, compared to the vast wilderness of her promise and love.
26 May 2017 @ 03:45 am
Are we rushin' it?
Are we fakin' it?
Are we feeling it?
We're kind of in love. At least, she is. I'm not that deep down into it, but if I manage to go without an intellectual partner, I might, just might,  have bright future before me.
Let's begin being fair to her: she tries her best, she's cute AF, she shows all the signs and symptoms. The problem, as always, is mine.
I really wish I could be happy, excited, giddy, content, feel some kind of rebirth of my lovelife. However, nothing could be farther away from the truth. I am worried, down, and kinda pissed. You see, the only factual thing I feel about her is physical attraction, of sorts. Now this would be all good and fine were she from my city. In that case, I could make the most of it, and that's all. But nope, I am again stuck in a distance thing of sorts, unable to act upon my true desires, and having to make do with chats and audio messages. It's ok. I already thought about this, and decided to sit back and relax, and let her (the true interested party) come to me. Of course once she does I don't let her down, but I won't make the first move.
She has. And from that, all sorts of interesting things came up. The most relevant, though, is the fact that we have nothing in common. And  that she's far too common. The kind of music she listens to, I abhor. The sports she's into, I don't like at all. I don't like the sound of her voice, or the fact she's an employee. Today we were exchanging messages, and she told me pretty much nothing interests her. What until yesterday was only worrying, today raises serious concerns: Is there future for a relationship like this? Do I want a future relationship like this? Is it wort anything? Could I live knowing she's absolutely not at all the kind of person I picture myself with in the entry of  December 19, 2016?
12 May 2017 @ 07:04 pm
Candle shopping continues. A girl asked me for my number, we exchanged some whatsapp and she was very interesting and super-attractive. Like, 10/10 attractive. She found me very pretty, and very normal as well. We spent the whole night before this one talking, and it was a magical encounter of sorts. I am made for a.m. conversations with strangers.
By today, however, she was acting kinda detached and cool. I'll try to think it was because of work, not because there might be another girl involved (already!). Anyway, I will try and act cool too, because caring is not advantage I know this won't last. She's from the south, I have no business there whatsoever. And no way in hell I'm spending money in visit to someone I don't know personally. I just don't know, I just don't know.