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broken_flower58
17 November 2017 @ 11:40 pm
I'm in the middle of getting my stuff ready to move out. I'm going to live at least for a month, hopefully more, with a cousin of mine. At first I didn't want anything to do with having a flatmate, but she lives in a very elegant neighbourhood, is very cheap for me to live there, and I'll still get to spend time by myself 'cos she leaves pretty much every weekend. Also, we got on very, very well! So I'm actually excited for getting to live with her!
She's an accountant and holds a senior post at a very important accountancy firm. She has a very good salary and lots of benefits from her job! she's my age and fucking KILLINNG IT! And I know we'll be able to get along cos I'll be having a similar life from now on, working a corporate job in my mid-twenties and life is so amazing, so amazing!
...The Bell Jar makes a ghostly appeareance at the back of my mind.
 
 
broken_flower58
Beyond excited, beyond amazed, dreams DO come true. It seemed only yesterday I was wishing, kinda laughing at myself for being so naive and thinking I could ever make it out of this hellhole. Yest look at me now, everyone. Look at me now.
 
 
broken_flower58
07 November 2017 @ 10:40 pm
So, yesterday the woman in charge of the recruitment at the awesome job contacted me to ask for further details, telling me everything was going OK, and if I could possibly start by December 1st??
That sent a blast of excitement and anxiety through my body. If everything continues to be fine, that means in less than a month I leave for Buenos Aires!! My dream will come true!! So I got home and talked to the parents, and then this morning I talked to Blem about my moving there, money matters, etc.
So on the one hand, I am beyond excited for this opportunity to live my dream, but on the other hand I am genuinely worried about my relationship with Victoria. You see, I was expecting us to meet this month, and we totally should, for if I get the job then I do not know when will our schedules be free for us to finally meet. However, even if we met this month as planned, I'd be rather needing the money to set myself up at Baires...this is so fucking stressful.
Also, if I got the job I'd have to hurry up and graduate real quick, so I can leave with my interpretation degree under my arm.
Everything is happening so fast!
 
 
broken_flower58
03 November 2017 @ 10:22 am
really cannot stop thinking about her, and about my first time. I really literally cannot wait. I have this idea that she'll be a lot more nervous than me, and I'll have to calm her down.
I also think about how she has to deal with a lot more stuff than me, and that includes taking care of me, and being responsible for my sexual experiences. I can see the pressure she has to endure, for not only does she have to cope with family issues, work, her training, etc. but also with a naive, innocent girlfriend whom she'll be the first girl to kiss, to fuck, to love. It is a lot.
Also, I know. I know she's been crazy enough to think about marriage. 
 
 
broken_flower58
02 November 2017 @ 10:32 pm
I jut love when things work out without me having to push for it.
A few days ago, we videocalled and after asking each other whether we felt happier now we were around, she, completely out of the blue, raised the issue of our encounter.
In short, she said it was not the time yet, she had lots of things to work out before I could visit, such as work,training,etc. She said it'd be completely selfish of her to make me go and see me only a few hours a day. It's like she wants to make room for me in her life, she wants me to fit, but I told her I probably would have to go while she was working ,and that I didn't want our waiting ruining our chance. Once again, I told her I couldn't wait forever. She said after September she didn't want to make any more promises, because she failed me and she hated it.
I love when she talks about our meeting, and end up forgiving anything and everything. I told her I hurt, I told her meeting her was my n°1 priority, I told her there was nothing in the world I wanted more...yet, I wait.
She said she feels the urgency, too, but she's got to deal with stuff first. I asked her if that was all, and what surprised me and relieved me was the fact it was only external factors now. Maybe it's still a mix of both, though.
I really want us to meet this month. And everything seems to indicate the time is ripe: I finish my course, her mother comes back, and the worst shift she could be working, the night one, she's working until mid-November only. It's a sign!!
 
 
 
broken_flower58
29 October 2017 @ 11:21 am
Oh, and last night we talked and I decided not to (totally) lie to her, and told her my day hadn't been great because of how I felt. However, instead of telling her about the issue from the previous entry, because I knew it wasn't the best time to talk about that, I only told her I felt kinda angry that she revealed my secret. She was kinda pissed and we said goodbye in a less than ideal way. She was cold towards me, and this morning she continued in the same fashion. Much to my bewilderment, she asked me to touch myself for her (¿¿¿???). I refused, naturally, and she told me not to speak to her for the rest of the day. There must be something going on inside her that's upsetting her, because she's been giving this weird vibes. She said something stupid about not having control over me, and I felt kinda pissed that she has to pretend to be so grey sometimes. I mean she is, but I will not and cannot accept to take the dom/sub mechanic outside the sexlife.
 
 
broken_flower58
29 October 2017 @ 11:11 am
Ok, so I calmed down and decided to keep an optimistic outlook. I could finally put my finger on the problem we are currenty facing, and identifying it brought me peace: While I am all ready to take our relationship to the next level, that is, meeting for the first time in person, she's not. I have the strongest urgency to be kissed, touched, to sleep with her, to spend time with her, while she's buying her time 'cause she's afraid. So we're not on the same page, and we should. And this is bringing me great sorrow, because I want us to be on the same page, else what good is a relationship?
It's like I'm prioritizing the relationship while she's only prioritizing her fears, not thinking about how it makes me feel.
So I decided I will talk to her about it, and try to see if she agrees with me to compromise: we have to meet before the holidays. That way, she still has plenty of time, and can actually decide when we meet, and I have the certainty of a deadline for our encounter, something tangible I can look forward to.
 
 
broken_flower58
28 October 2017 @ 05:39 pm

Hating my very guts right now. Today we talked and videocalled, and she said a friend of hers knows my secret  because she told him, because she wanted to leave me because of it, and he told her it'd be ok, and so he was somehow involved in her staying with me. But she said he said that it was not normal at my age, and that pissed me off. I feel she betrayed my trust in her by telling her friend. Because she did. I don't care if he's her most trusted friend. That guy is nothing to me, nothing, and now he knows my deepest secret.
I'm also sad about us and decided I'm done waiting. I finally realized that she's scared of taking our relationship to the next level, that is, meeting for the first time, and that I deserve to be with someone who is not afraid. Not afraid to live a love story, not afraid to be the first to touch me, not afraid of doing so for the very first time. My virginity is one of her fears, and I fucking hate that it has to be this way.
But I'll tell her I've had enough waiting, that this is really hurting me, and that I deserve more than her fears.  

 
 
broken_flower58
Is that she invites me to visit on mid-to-late November, we spend some wonderful 7 to 10 days together there, and then she comes visit me for the holidays. I'd love to spend either christmas o new years' eve with her, even though it would be a huge deal with my family.
Jeez, I can't even believe I am actually typing this. Me?? Holidays with a significant other?? love life?? what??
 
 
broken_flower58
25 October 2017 @ 11:26 pm
I'm really optimistic about us meeting next month, particularly since two days ago we talked on the phone and she mentioned watching videos of lesbian LDR couples meeting for the first time, which got me thinking maybe the idea is growing strong in her mind, and maybe once her parents are back from Cordoba and things are more or less sorted out, our time will come.
Speaking of which, yesterday we had a steamy sexting session which made me feel super Steele, since she described how she'd fuck me and even if it was regular sex for her, it sounded a lot rough to me. However, magic happened early in the morning when she called to say goodnight (at 7 30 a.m. lol), and she started touching herself and describing her every move to me. Hearing her voice and her heavy breathing got me horny AF, and there are still some traces of desire in my head. Geez, I only want to fuck her. That's all I want, for once.