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24 September 2017 @ 11:39 pm
She fucking called me this afternoon and I couldn't contain my excitement, my happiness. She said she needed to hear my voice, she drove like 40 km just to catch some signal. We talked for a few minutes, but it was the most wonderful talk. She said she missess me, that she needs to fuck me, and that when she's back we'll talk about me visiting (!!). She said they tried to distract her, but she couldn't stand not hearing my voice, and so she called me. She told me about some things she did, she asked about me. I told her everything was as usual here. I was going to resume my driving lessons (which I did). She told me she knew her parcel was already waiting for her, her grandmother told her. I cannot wait ofr her to open it. I love her. I have come to realize I really do. I did not know what to expect from this distance, these days, but I found peace and love in my heart. 
20 September 2017 @ 12:06 am
Her parcel's already on its way, and we talked a bit yesterday, and a bit today. I found out I suffer relationship anxiety, and tried to calm down knowing everything comes down to my own insecurity. I will try to work on this. I need to feel more confident, ya dig??
18 September 2017 @ 12:03 am
I sent her a message telling her I loved her, and then an audio message reading what I wrote about her in our journal. I did not have news from her. It was weird, being so expectant but knowing I'd probably get nothing today. As with every beginning, it is hard,but I'm sure as days go by I'll feel more comfortable around her absense.
18 September 2017 @ 12:01 am
I got to talk to her and see her both on Friday and Saturday, the very same day she left.
It was nice, it was so cool, I was keeping her company while she was getting ready, packing her suitcase and all, and I was even excited about this! I was genuinely happy for her, and it was even better when she told me she wanted to be with me, though.
But of course, I cannot be perfect. Never. She confessed she had last smoked pot during the weekend, which of course pissed me off and upset me. It really got me thinking for the rest of the day.
I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes pot, because it's a hard limit for me. I thought she'd quitted, because during one of our early chats I'd told her I couldn't be with someone who did that. She said she hated that I liked boys, too, so she compared her habit to my orientation.It made me super angry.
Part of me wanted to leave her, part of me wanted to stay and cheat on her with every boy I get the chance, just so I could hurt her as much as she does every time she smokes. I thought about a sort of compromise: I wouldn't do anything about boys, as long as she did not smoke in front of me, or talked to or wrote to me while she was under the influence. She promised she wouldn't, still I know this will probably drive us apart: eventually, she'll be with friend and want to smoke, and I won't let her. I still don't like the idea of her doing that, not one bit, but I'm not ready to leave her yet. I do not understand how she can hurt me so, if she says she loves me so.

At night we got to talk for a couple minutes, and then I lost sight of her.So it begins...
14 September 2017 @ 10:34 pm
However,  will only wait until October. If by then she does not talk about me going there, then I'll talk to her about finishing the relationship.
14 September 2017 @ 10:32 pm
The fundamental difference between me and her is that she does not suffer. She does not make a big deal out of shit. She just accepts things as they are, and makes the most out of it. While I'm all raging storms and endless grey days, rain pouring over me for weeks on end, she's just a light breeze, a sunny afternoon. I wanted her to be mad at the world for her mother's actions, I wanted her to confront her for us, but that will never happen. She will just go and enjoy her days out, because she knows there is nothing she can do to change it, and because she deserves it.
14 September 2017 @ 10:28 pm
I did not choose not have a job
I did not choose to be this sad
I did not choose to fall for a woman on the other end of this godforsaken country
I did not choose not to come from money
I did not choose
I did not choose
I did not choose to be born on this ragged Century.
I don't even know why I choose to be alive.
14 September 2017 @ 10:56 am
I am not touching myself as much as I'd like to, and it's worrying me. Yesterday I was quite turned on, we both were, and once I was alone, I searched some of my fave messages from her to set the mood and start, only to end up crying because I will not get to see her anytime soon. What a bummer.
14 September 2017 @ 10:50 am
Our 2nd month together was again a day marked by tensions and arguments. She was mad at me, and sad, that I vented and took it all out on her, while she was working and unable to grieve accordingly. She reproached me that I went on crying and treating her badly, even after she asked me to stop. Of course I didn't care, because I wanted her to know how hurt I was, and still am.
I have a feeling she is not as upset as I am. That for her, it is not as urgent, as important that we meet. Or at least, she does not let me know as much. Her demonstrations of sadness were short and did not feel as heavy. I know no two hearts are the same, but that only leaves me wondering what the actual fuck.
I have decided to wait and see what the fuck happens in October, once she's back. If she does not mention anything about me visiting, then I will have to talk to her, and probably finish the relationship, because I cannot, do not, and will not accept to spend so much time apart from her. I hurt. Every days that goes by and we're apart, I kind of burst into flames and die, only to be reborn again, like a phoenix in a sisyphean universe.
10 September 2017 @ 05:34 pm
But at least now she's confirmed me so, I went at her with all my might. I held nothing back. Neither the tears, nor the anger, not the pain. Her sorry ass is sorry. I think sorry is not enough. She'd rather break my heart that stand up to her mother. I cannot stand that.
Now all I will have to do is save money to go visit her, which of course I do not want, but if that is all I will be able to have, then I'll take it. but give it to me. Now.