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I've been logging into lgbt apps, candle-shopping. I found a girl with whom I hit it off right from the  start, but she kinda died on me, and now we're talking via whatsapp with another one, but she's boring, ain't the same. She still crying over a girl (just like me), and she shows it (unlike me). When I learned her tragic backstory, I told her about mine. And I fuckin' knew. I fuckin' knew.

Besides, I am triggered AF by a facebook memory. I AM SO FUCKING CLOSE TO RESTABLISHING RELATIONS FFS
05 May 2017 @ 07:34 pm
The days in Buenos Aires were lovely, lovely! I had no worries whatsoever, feeling so free and holy fuck so proper and chic. My writing was acclaimed by people in the know, a fucking UEA teacher, for God's Sake! To top it all, I met online a girl with whom I had instant chemistry, and I felt in a daze. Too bad she vanished as soon as I came back.

I visited the ESMA, it had a profound impact within me. It was a most awful place, full of horror and God-forsaken. I cannot get it out of my head. Maybe some day I will, but not for short.
18 April 2017 @ 08:01 pm
I was just considering sending her a friend request. I'm so bent I'm almost broken. It's kinda hellish. I cannot live with her, I cannot live without her. What keeps me from doing it is that I feel like we have no business in each other's lives any more. But I miss her. Having her in my life did me good. Yet considering the way we met, and the way I left, going back feels like a heresy. I know the worst that can happen is her ignoring me (again), but I have to weight in: what is more powerful? my shame or disgrace?
15 April 2017 @ 11:54 pm
I am changing the way I think about my sexual orientation. I have decided to hide no longer (that is, though I'm out to my mother, sort of, and to my friends, completely) in the internet. I have spent last night watching lesbian/bisexual youtubers' videos, and ended up feeling empowered. I decided to act. I mean, I am not the only half-closeted, femme, bisexual lady living in a relatively small town in the world. There are queer people everywhere, and if I don't take that big step and start getting into the community, what hopes do I have for the community to reach to me??

On the other hand, though, whenever I saw those girls being cute to each other, and so in love, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about her. Like, I can picture myself being close to other girls, but it's hard for me to imagine having something like that, with someone who is not her.
06 April 2017 @ 11:12 pm
I am going to be on the board of directives of my local translators' association.
I will start the interpeting training course next week.
I have private students every single days except on the weekend.
I will soon apply to become a language coordinator at Coursera, where I have been volunteering for over a year.
I am a pro bono translator for fundación leer.
I will start working as a AFS volunteer next month.
I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am Chevening.
06 April 2017 @ 11:05 pm
I am very anxious right now because all I think about is the fucking Chevening Scholarship. Some years ago I saw an image which read:
And I felt it in my heart, and felt it in my bones, yet I didn't know what exactly that was going to be. I knew I was up for a big challenge, I knew (know) I'm meant for something grand and extraordinary, but I did not know exactly what it was. Now I know. This is it. Being part of something so prestigious, so elitist, so VIP sounds exaclty like me. But I'm anxious. Doubt comes in. Sometimes I'm just doing whatever and I kind of freeze and and the wheels inside my head are spinning ever so fast because I think Is this enough?? Am I doing enough?? And is hard for me to just calm down and convince myself that yes, I am enough, and yes, I am doing everything I can to improve my chances of beeing seen as an eligible candidate, and no, I cannot change my past and the shit I did not do back then, and no, the interview is not tomorrow so I don't have to worry about what I'm going to say in approximately a year, simple because I have not lived most of it. It's hard for me to maintain the calm, and try to focus in other things, even though I have plenty of things to think about. Everything revolves around this scholarship. It's really become the #1 reason I live. It motivates me, yeah, but it puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders.
21 March 2017 @ 07:07 pm
luce came back from the dead.
That's right, she wrote me a letter. An email.
What the fuck.
09 March 2017 @ 12:22 am
-I enrolled in the DELF B1 preparatory course at the AF.
-I got a new pupil, the woman from last year.
-I WAS SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE LITERARY TRANSLATION SCHOOL. SO EFFING PROUD, SO NINE OF CUPS. I can feel the reward of my thoroughly done job, and it's amazing.
-I changed my hair
-I'm earning some sweet sweet money.
-I went on a short holiday with my sister, had a wonderful time, and got an aventurine!
-I am Chevening.
26 February 2017 @ 05:28 pm
Everything is going ok.

I got a second translation assignment, a bigger one, two this month.
I am going to be part of the directive board for the local translators' association.
In a struck of genius, I decided to ask an acquitance of mine to enroll me as a volunteer for AFS. That's going to give me the leverage I very much need for my Chevening application. Leadership and networking skills, here I come!
I'm also quite obssessed with the whole Chevening thing. I watch videos, read its every facebook post, and look for articles in the topic. But it's true. When I started the year, I promised myself that was the only thing that would keep me alive. I was going to make it through this year just to apply to the scheme.
So I'm acting upon it.

I also got a second (third) pupil, who did well on an exam, but bad on the other. So, economically speaking, February was very good.

I feel really empowered.
I still her in my dreams.
18 February 2017 @ 01:32 am

Yesterday I remembered a boy I had a crush on when I was a young girl. I looked for his instagram, but found it private. I didn't think so many thoughts would gather around máy memory of him, circling my head like voltures. Words like " masculine", "smart", etc. I found myself thinking fondly of him, and wondering what would happen if we saw each other again. Maybe there would be (still?) some chemistry of sorts,maybe he'd find me attractive.
This whole stream of thought weirded me out, however,because it is all too familiar, as though I was undergoing 2007 again. No Jess, therapy, and this boy. What the fuck.
I have also been thinking what to tell my therapist next time. She said (and holy shit she said it so sweetly!)it'd be nice to see me again because she considered there were some other things worth discussing. I want to know what that is, according to her. I should tell her about my fear of failure, my parents' issue with money,and my shame, but its so hard I dont know if I will be able to.And then there's Jess. I don't want to discuss her, but I am afraid I will have to. I don't seem to get used to her absence, no matter what or how much I write. And I am afraid of losing my mind because of her, because I no longer know what is healthy and what is not, what is fancy and what is true.