I've been thinking about romance for a while now, and it's interesting to analyze why do I ship what I ship, what does it say about me?
Some ships I ship because of their complicity, the natural chemistry that seems to emanate from those people together (see Sweenet, Toddly, Oathkeepers), others because of their raw passion and the violent emotions they seem to stir on the other person, almost a deep hatred but instead it's a deep devotion (see RusAme, Matt & Elektra). My otps,I have learned, are nothing but ordinary. They always involve characters of exceptional strength, power, status, or intelligence. And so I ship them because I strongly agree with the statement that having an otp is being in love with two people being in love, and how could I not love what I think is fundamental for any romantic relationship I wish to establish?
I remember, long ago, buying Cosmopolitan magazines, reading the love and relationships section and being so depressed about it. Was it all there was? meeting someone, sleeping with them, moving in, marrying, having children? having to put up with immature friends? infidelity?mothers in law who were bound to hate you?? Nah man, I wanted something entirely different. I wanted more. I always have. I want my family not knowing about my significant other until it's too late, I want us to run away together, to commit a minor offence, to make love in the open, to find a place of our own and to have plans for every weekend, to create shit together, to do some kinky stuff, to constantly surprise each other, to compete against each other, outsmart and outlove each other, to be in love, but also ourselves, and not some idiotic version of what society believes a couple should be. A long time ago, I used to roleplay online. One day, my character was getting married to his boyfriend when suddenly their daughter broke in, shot and killed my character. Besides heartbreaking, I remember that episode as one of the most genuine experiences anyone, whether fictional or not, could have. It was something typical, another boring ritual, until it was not. It was supposed to be a joyful ocassion, yet it was not. It was something greater, greater than that. It was dying for love. To die for love. Most of us wish we could, some of us believe we might, at some point in our lives or other, but how many do actually experience that?
And so of course I'm not hoping for such an extreme experience to happen, except in a way I am. I am hoping to find that one person you're so in love and so yourself with, you won't even mind the shots, won't even mind going through a wedding for.
At this moment, I think about romance, but not about being in love.I do believe I can be loved, just like I believe I can love. I have loved. But I don't feel like I'm in the right position to do so. It's not like I don't want to meet people, it's exactly the opposite. But until I leave this city, until I shred this skin, I shall think about romance, but god forbid I pursue it.