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01 January 2017 @ 02:15 am
To work
And work out my issues
And work out more
To love, because I do deserve so.
To travel, and to go on a journey.
To learn.
To explode with life.
To burst in colours
To catch flames of passion
To be, to be, to be.
31 December 2016 @ 12:35 am
27 December 2016 @ 12:34 am
Yesterday I spent Christmas day with my friends. It was very nice, but then the love/sex/relationships topic came out and I felt strange, frustrated, weird, and like a big loser. I told them about the Red String ordeal, encouraged by what one of my friends said about a friend of his who's in love with another of my friends. I trust them enough to let them in, but when I was telling them my story I felt really uncomfortable, like I was crazy. Maybe their minds cannot really understand what it feels like. Then they told me I should be more open to meet new people, and to get out of the comfort zone. Then they talked about sex, either casual or not, and I felt so stranged from it all because I cannot really understand, fucking in the house when you don't live on your own? exchanging all kind of details with your friends? I don't know, I feel like I'm a million years from them.
I wish I gave this vibe of a woman who is totally in charge of her sexuality, who doesn't take a lot of pleasure out of it but uses it as a means of getting what she wants, a séductrice if you will. But how can I give this give when I don't have a sexual life? how can you be in control of a life that you don't have?
There are two sides to my lovelife and my personal history:

  • The subjective one: This has all to do with shame. I feel ashamed of my very existence, so I do not think I am dating material or I cannot really think of anyone having any kind of romantic/sexual interest in me. I know this is something that is not so, and it's all in my head, for there are far uglier girls than me who are already married or with children, etc. so that means they are pretty enough for someone. And I know there have been some people who were attracted to me, but from my experience that is a disaster. I just think that the idea of wanting a partner is stupid, makes you feel vulnerable, and you have better shit to do than worry about finding someone to kiss, fuck and share some precious moments with. I have to be careful with this kind of thoughts because these are affirmations, and if I don't watch it I'll be very, very miserable. But it's just that I find the idea of love very unsatisfying.

  • The Objective one: I am a very, very introverted person, who doesn't feel comfortable around new people or big groups, so it's hell for me to try and meet new people. Also, I am boring and no one ever invites me to do shit apart from the times when we as a group gather together. I wish I was like of my friend's cute friend, who's always doing something and they go out a lot and now they're about to goon a holiday together. I'm just so socially challenged. So quiet, so lame.

24 December 2016 @ 12:29 am
i've just seen some triggering shit on tumblr, but I managed it like a boss. Just a few breaths, a quick reblog, and over it is. Over. It's over, isn't it? isn't it? isn't it over?
19 December 2016 @ 02:20 am
I've been thinking about romance for a while now, and it's interesting to analyze why do I ship what I ship, what does it say about me?

Some ships I ship because of their complicity, the natural chemistry that seems to emanate from those people together (see Sweenet, Toddly, Oathkeepers), others because of their raw passion and the violent emotions they seem to stir on the other person, almost a deep hatred but instead it's a deep devotion (see RusAme, Matt & Elektra). My otps,I have learned, are nothing but ordinary. They always involve characters of exceptional strength, power, status, or intelligence. And so I ship them because I strongly agree with the statement that having an otp is being in love with two people being in love, and how could I not love what I think is fundamental for any romantic relationship I wish to establish?
I remember, long ago, buying Cosmopolitan magazines, reading the love and relationships section and being so depressed about it. Was it all there was? meeting someone, sleeping with them, moving in, marrying, having children? having to put up with immature friends? infidelity?mothers in law who were bound to hate you?? Nah man, I wanted something entirely different. I wanted more. I always have. I want my family not knowing about my significant other until it's too late, I want us to run away together, to commit a minor offence, to make love in the open, to find a place of our own and to have plans for every weekend, to create shit together, to do some kinky stuff, to constantly surprise each other, to compete against each other, outsmart and outlove each other, to be in love, but also ourselves, and not some idiotic version of what society believes a couple should be. A long time ago, I used to roleplay online. One day, my character was getting married to his boyfriend when suddenly their daughter broke in, shot and killed my character. Besides heartbreaking, I remember that episode as one of the most genuine experiences anyone, whether fictional or not, could have. It was something typical, another boring ritual, until it was not. It was supposed to be a joyful ocassion, yet it was not. It was something greater, greater than that. It was dying for love. To die for love. Most of us wish we could, some of us believe we might, at some point in our lives or other, but how many do actually experience that?
And so of course I'm not hoping for such an extreme experience to happen, except in a way I am. I am hoping to find that one person you're so in love and so yourself with, you won't even mind the shots, won't even mind going through a wedding for.
At this moment, I think about romance, but not about being in love.I do believe I can be loved, just like I believe I can love. I have loved. But I don't feel like I'm in the right position to do so. It's not like I don't want to meet people, it's exactly the opposite. But until I leave this city, until I shred this skin, I shall think about romance, but god forbid I pursue it. 
18 December 2016 @ 10:56 pm
The Dirk Gently fandom has taken over my life. I love that show with all my might. Also, Dirk and Todd are like the top otp.
This show has sent me spiralling downwards on my fangirl mood, 2010 style. I made a post asking people in the fandom to come say hi, a few of them did and I even gained some new followers so yeah, I consider myself p popular right now (even though I'm not).

Also, I found lots of Tarot books who are like the cornerstone of any serious practitioner,like Holistic Tarot (which I'm currently reading) and 78 Degrees of Wisdom, which motivated my search in the first place. I also bought a quartz crystal and soon enough I'll get an amethyst, so yeah I'm def. making progress :D

That's it for now.

Oh I'm also very, very thankful for my friends. Like I feel so full of life with them, like they are the right people and even though they all have other groups of friends and I don't , I feel like our group is of equal importance to them so I feel like the feeling is mutual. I cannot believe what I wrote earlier of not feeling understood and all, because I feel like I belong with them, and I feel so comfortable and I'm just all in all so grateful!
Also, I'm working right now and it's all good. I'm tutoring a high school girl on EFL, and of course it's not a lot of money and it's now what I love doing, but at least it keeps me busy and I get some money after all. Everything is quiet, yes, but everything's in place.
07 December 2016 @ 08:52 pm
i reallly do
20 November 2016 @ 11:15 pm

  • i got a small translation job from a very polite agency. I do hope this continues. I also hope the girl who contacted me to translate her novel shows up this week so that I may start working.

  • i had to format the pc cos i managed to let a virus in while trying to download some translation software.

Of late I find myself a teeny tiny scared every time Mexico or something related to it comes up-in the tv, or in conversation. I dread the time when my mother innocently remembers I had a friend I loved very much there, and we were so close, and so she asks. About her, or some opinion she may have on something. And so I'd have to explain, however briefly, I'd have to drag her corpse memory out of my head in front of my whole family, and I don't really know how well I'd fare. So I sink myself lower in the chair, look away, pretend I did not hear-every time the country comes up.
At the same time, I cannot help but imagine-low key-how some current situations would play out if she were in my life. Say, the whatsapp videocall service. It was stupid, but the very first thing I imagined when my uncle showed us how it worked was calling her, seeing her face and her room kilometers away. I also still think about us together, and going to see her and-I don't really know what's the limit, man. I don't really know if this is sick, am I sick or just broken-hearted? Is it normal to ache for so long, because she was so important and because it was too much, it was too obvious to have been dissolved into nothingness? Or am i messed up, obsessed and tied up in the past?
09 November 2016 @ 10:06 pm
Today facebook reminded me of a post.
A post from 6 years ago, exactly.
The post that started-well, confirmed it all. My first feelings for her. A silly post, subtle, disguised in a trend. Effective, yes, but not to make her confess. Of course, she told me what I didn't want to hear.
Some time later, I remember, she made it clear maybe it wasn't like that-it wasn't like that at all. And of course, because our story was as doomed as any Shakespearian play protagonist, I had to ignore/downplay her words. Star-crossed,yes. Lovers? "The fault is not in our stars".

I checked her instagram and felt surprisingly calm. No pang of nostalgia, no regret, no jealousness...just some kind of tenderness...old-fashioned endearment...Still, while I was sunbathing today, I recognized I am not the same without her presence in my life, however peripherical. I have been broken into a thousand little shards, which have been dispersed inside me, and some days, when I move a certain way, or a thought goes astray, or a song comes up and play, a shard will do full contact, and its sting will send me spiralling downwards in a path of nostalgia, and regret. But the first step is to recognize the shards. I will never know if it's possible for me to trace a map of where they are, and how to avoid them-my suffering. Neither do I know if I'll be ever capable of putting them back together, and create a precious something out of them. 
08 November 2016 @ 12:14 am
I'm quite talkative tonight. Now, I want to talk about the irony that it is the fact that my favourite character's named Jessica.
I look up to her. I love her. I see myself somehow represented by her.
My favourite girl's name's Jessica. I looked up to her. I loved her. We had our souls in common.
 It is awkward, in a way. One Jessica's gone, the other's just arrived. when I say I wanna cosplay Jessica Jones, I feel ashamed. Not by the cosplay, no! but by the fact that I am, somehow, encarnating the old Jess. Taking her name. As if saying "I couldn't make you love me, but I will take your name. You'll never be completely gone, I will hold you even if it's in this way". And it feels selfish and I feel ashamed.