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08 March 2018 @ 10:47 pm
+Marianne came here on February 24th, and we spend a lot of time together. We both enjoy each other's company very much, which makes my girlfriends jealous as fuck. I fucking swear if I were single, I'd be flirting with her all right. She's very attractive, and very nice.

+I'M FUCKING FLYING TO GALLEGOS IN 20 DAYS!!! That's it, I bought the tickets, have them on my inbox, so now all I gotta do is wait. I must admit I'm very nervous and don't really know what to expect, because although she's my girlfriend she's a lot like a stranger to me, and I can admit I've been a lot more excited to meet other people from the internet IRL than her. It's just a matter of waiting to see what may happen.

+Today I got my flight to Cancun, and yesterday my manager told me I'd be able to stay and work there for the week. This is very exciting, yes, but also it makes me painfully nervous. Yesterday I did an awesome job, yet today I failed pretty much half of my translations. I'm feeling better now, but earlier I was so anxious and depressed I wanted to die. Geez, why can't I get it right? I envy those people with a steadfast position, while I'm walking on thin ice here. And I see the pattern again: even though everything is literally going according to plan, I cannot be at peace. I'm incredibly nervous and unable to enjoy the moment, because I'm so focused on getting out of probation I have almost no room to think about anything else.
20 February 2018 @ 11:46 pm
So the job is going well, I keep improving and had the greatest fortune of getting one more month in probation in order to get things right. Of course I'm not totallty relaxed, but I'm a lot more relaxed since the last entry. Now I come to think about it, it might be a good question to work with tarot: Why can't I seem to unleash my potential and do a better job? What's standing on my way?
Also, this has to fucking mean something: THIS JUNE I'M FLYING TO CANCUN because of the yearly team meeting. To fucking Cancun. I will try and reach back to her, even if it costs me my current relationship, because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and because the things that belong to you find their way back into your life, always.
07 February 2018 @ 07:35 pm
It's a hot summer afternoon and I'm here in my room in Almagro, all alone, typing, wishing for the locksmith to come and fix my fucking door. I want to get out and go for a walk, go to the chemist and buy some stuff I need in order to become a healthier, sexier me. But I can't because I'm here stuck waiting for him! Such bastard. But at least he's not like the other locksmith, who came and broke my fucking door when I got locked inside my room. He then proceeded to ask me out, in a super lame move which is totally cringworthy. I mean, what kind of chick wants to go out with someone whose friends are pimps??¿¿
He reminded me an awful lot of Victoria, though.
So the good thing is that I'm on my own, and when I get bored of the city I can escape to Santa Fe, which I will do next weekend.
The more-or-less bad thing is that I'm still very anxious about my job situation. Yes, I have made incredible progress and yes, I am a much better translator than I was a month ago, but I still need to be hella better if I want to stay. I'm trying not to let my fear get the best of me, but sometimes I feel like crying out of despair! Yes, this job may not be perfect, but the life I'll get to have thanks to it is! Oh, I wanna do it so much better!!
07 February 2018 @ 07:28 pm
It´s a pity that January went by and I didn't write a single post. I have been busy with...life.
I will point out some highs and lows, but would like to focus on two particular things;

  • The first one: How I kind of overnight went from failing all my QAs at work to pretty much acing them.

         So after a rough day at work, where I couldn't seem to pass a translation even if my life depended on it (and my life here kind of does) and my anxiety was wrecking havoc on me, I stopped by a deli (Green Eat), bought a most delicious vanilla yoghurt with a blueberry muffin, and sat down in front of Teatro Colón to eat. It was a moment of beauty, peace, and clarity, and I cannot explain why, but I turned myself around and started doing a better job after that afternoon.
A very similar moment happened just two weeks ago, when I went to see the Floralis Generica. I sat in a bech right across the monument, took it in, and felt peaceful and fulfilled. I told my parents and my girlfriend how I felt, and holy fuck, how many times do you actually hear someone telling you they're happy, while meaning it??
I make a point of being grateful here, when I wake up and before bed, at random moments and while I go to work. Everything is worthy of being thankful for!

  • I'm starting to feel anxious about my future meeting with Victoria again. I feel like it's not going to happen, and I cannot believe the power September had over me, it scarred me. It's just that every dream I've ever had about her, is never pretty. The last one, which involved an stalker of mine revealing upon my arrival to her city that Victoria never existed as such but it was him all along, was one of the ugliest, most messed up nightmares I've ever had. Fucking terrifying. I just want her to be as pumped as I am, but I cannot feel it.

31 December 2017 @ 03:09 pm

28 December 2017 @ 04:49 pm

Back home for the holidays, Christmas this year felt so empty and void. I spent most of the day being blue over the fact I wasnt with my girlfriend, but eventually felt better.
On Tuesday night we had an amazing sexting session in which I fingered myself for the first time, and though I didn't think much of it while I was at it, I ended up feeling satisfied afterwards and looking forward to doing it again. My girlfriend was super horny too and that just drove me crazy. The next morning I felt very loving towards her, and I didnt tell her anything but I guess I felt like we had fucked and I fell in love with her or sth like that, very embarrassing.
Right now she is mad at me after I confessed I believed her capable of cheating. I know shes a dramatic bitch, but Im not glad to be with her like this. I need to explain and I want her loving me. It is weird how part of me is ready to leave while the other wants her for the longest run. Damn, Victoria. You turmoil!

10 December 2017 @ 05:01 pm
(2/2) and it was quite shocking to have someone tell you such a thing, she asked me please not to even think about it, but I know it in my heart I will leave her. I mean, I won't do it this month, but next month or even in a couple weeks I'll feel sad and terrible again, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get over it. I've been saying I'll call it quits with her since October, yet here I am, holding on and feeling so bad and stupid. I mean, part of me feels disappointed for not being able to wait till March, it's only a couple more months, and I know how bad it'll be for her, breaking up for reasons who nothing have to do with her, that go beyond what she is or does. It is totally unfair, I know, to her, but what about me?? I know better than to stay in a relationship in which my needs are not being met, where I don't feel fulfilled or whole and where I can't get to have physical intimacy. I know better. Staying is suffering, it is not sane, and I know I should strike while the iron is hot and leave now, that with my new job and my moving and my new city the heartache will be minimum, but I told her I wouldn't so now I have to wait, and hold on, but not for much longer.
10 December 2017 @ 12:28 am

I had a long ass post written in my pc about my life here in Buenos Aires so far--the good, the bad and the awesome. However I was disrupted by the arrival of mt cousin and now-flatmate, and it went straight to the dradts, however I will only say that due to a misunderstanding which caused me a great deal of anxiety the very same weekend I'd arrived here, I'm moving out on December 16th. I will be staying at a room I rented through Airb&b, hopefully until I have saved enough money to rent my own appartment. I also got to see Swan Lake, a colleague of mine reading her poetry, and many beautiful things. I am living my dream. I cannot be happier....but wait!
Today's topic is indicated by the entry title and not capricious at all: today I actually considered ending it with Victoria. The reason?? Same old, same old. I need to be physically close to her, she's unavailable. She told me maybe she could visit me for Christmas, and I knew she was bullshitting me and I shouldn't have let that get to my head, but then I did and actually thought there was a strong chance of that happening. But she says she doesn't think that will be possible, and waiting till March is hell, mostly when you don't even know if you'll actually get to meet her then. Again, my needs are not being met, and when I told her it was all being very hard for me to go on like this, she asked me whether I was gonna leave her. I should have told her I didnt know, which is the truth, but I said no and
Eased her a bit. She asked me to please not leave her, she said she couldnt imagine her life without me (1/2)

17 November 2017 @ 11:40 pm
I'm in the middle of getting my stuff ready to move out. I'm going to live at least for a month, hopefully more, with a cousin of mine. At first I didn't want anything to do with having a flatmate, but she lives in a very elegant neighbourhood, is very cheap for me to live there, and I'll still get to spend time by myself 'cos she leaves pretty much every weekend. Also, we got on very, very well! So I'm actually excited for getting to live with her!
She's an accountant and holds a senior post at a very important accountancy firm. She has a very good salary and lots of benefits from her job! she's my age and fucking KILLINNG IT! And I know we'll be able to get along cos I'll be having a similar life from now on, working a corporate job in my mid-twenties and life is so amazing, so amazing!
...The Bell Jar makes a ghostly appeareance at the back of my mind.
Beyond excited, beyond amazed, dreams DO come true. It seemed only yesterday I was wishing, kinda laughing at myself for being so naive and thinking I could ever make it out of this hellhole. Yest look at me now, everyone. Look at me now.